Strained Mindfulness

A New Breath

2011-10-09T22:17:00.001-05:00

Welcome to Strained Mindfulness 2.0.

It was time for a new look, a new approach, and a new outlook on my part. I have seen a lot in the past few months, and I'd like to share a few of my insights into my experience.

I am having a really tough time with my practice.

I've never been good at the daily meditation thing. It wasn't something I really began with, and it wasn't something I really ever pushed for. There was a point at which I stayed strong for a couple of months, but it eventually died off. Let's just say a zombie got me.

I can think of a thousand reasons not to sit. I don't have time; I just had a baby; I have other responsibilities. They can keep coming and coming. It doesn't change the fact that this practice has done me a lot of good, and it is something I need to consider a great priority in my life.

I am realizing just how alone I am in my views

I recently took a trip to LA, and a new friend was gracious enough to take me to the Against the Stream Buddhist Meditation Society for a meditation session and a dharma talk. This was the first time I had been in a room with other English speakers, and the first time I had ever heard a dharma talk (in person) in English.

It reminds me of a debate that goes on in the buddhoblogosphere quite often, and one I'd like to chime in on now: No, a sangha isn't necessary for success as a Buddhist. But for me, it is something I crave. It is such a motivation to have people of your age and background sharing in the dharma together.

The immediate answer is to seek one out, and I'm going to. But in the meantime, I am realizing my problem of motivation is going to eat me alive.

I have a serious ego problem

This is absolutely nothing new, but the farther I investigate myself, the more I realize
a) how much of an ass I was in high school, and
b) how much of my mind still revolves around myself, regardless of any logic

It's ridiculous. Everything I do or say is ego driven. I cannot allow myself to be genuinely giving or sincere in giving advice or help in anything I do. I think a major cause of suffering is a genuine lack of humility.

On a completely related note, I can't trust myself

With my ego revealed to me, my age old constant of at least being able to trust myself in any given situation is completely out the window. Yes, I can make decisions to help everyone, but I cannot truly do anything without feeling as if I am just trying to fuel this "I" I seem to be so obsessed with.

So what do I do now?

I sit. I understand my suffering and I try to find a good way to permeate my past and deal with it. (It's not called Strained Mindfulness for nothing.) I have decided I need to intensely undergo forgiveness meditations. It was recommended to me some time ago in a book, and of course I had my own plans, so I am reverting back to what has helped others. I think I have a lot to deal with in my own past, things I have never forgiven myself for, and I think this practice will lead me in the direction I need to be heading.

It's odd. Things that have happened years ago have shaped my disposition, led me to harbor ill will, and have made me attached to notions and ideas that I've thought to be true but turn out to be illusions. What a lesson in karma.

I remember hurrying myself out of my grandmother's house the last time I saw her. Once she died, I could never let go of the regret. What can I do about it now? Try to understand impermanence, take advantage of the time I have, and touch my own mortality. Then I let go and forgive myself. Learning to let go of the past and to really forgive myself for not containing the wisdom of the future will really help me let go of future suffering....to really live in the present for what it is.

But anyway, there is work to be done. It is something I know to be needed. There is nothing like a good dharma talk, a sutta reading, or just a small piece of wisdom to finally enter your head to start up your practice once again. And there's also motivation that each time I sit, and every time I learn to live int he present, I am teaching my daughter how to be present. This in itself is motivation to buck up and do what needs to be done.

Sorry I have been absent so long. I am happy to be writing again.

How To Slay A Zombie

2010-01-25T22:34:00.004-06:00

There is a zombie trying to kill you.

Now...let's not flip out here. This is merely a hypothetical zombie. Either way, we need to know what we're up against here. Let's explore.

Zombie...west African origin. Circa 1871. Seems like it was some sort of a snake god. Not what I'm talking about... (For all you geeks, it could possibly be from the Kimbundu word "nzambi" meaning god.)

There's also a possible origin in Louisiana...I'll leave that one alone as well.
I'm talking the original Hollywood zombie. In true squirrel style, here's something to gawk at to prove my point.

Okay...enough beating around the bush...what does this have to do with strained mindfulness? What does this have to do with anything?

I met this zombie a couple of months ago. It's trying to kill my practice. It's trying to kill the practice that should be dear to all of us.

I have heard this discussion before. Does a daily practice really help? Allow this to be my official stance...It makes me feel terrible when I don't sustain a daily practice. I think it is EXTREMELY important. I feel like a better person...a more grounded person...well, a more mindful person.

But then there is this zombie..this slow moving imbecile within my mind that causes me to forget this importance. It causes me to let my practice fall by the wayside.

Think of the classic zombie...it can't focus on anything but what it wants the most..brains. It is the only thing it can fathom. There is nothing else. It does react to pain, but for the most part, it will still come at you, while undergoing extreme pain, in order to find its next victim. Now, rearrange things a little...what are the brains for your zombie?

Is it that extra hour of sleep? Is it the next edition of the Bachelor? What is it that you crave so much that it stands in the way of your practice?

These desires..these infatuations..the Buddha warned us against them. He knew that they could become the zombie in our minds, keeping us from our goals. What a wonderful warning! The Buddha actually summed it up quite nicely in the Padhana sutra:

"Sensual desire is your first army, the second is called discontent, the third is hunger and thirst, the fourth craving, the fifth sluggishness and laziness, the sixth fear, the seventh indecision, and the eighth disparagement of others and stubbornness: gain, fame, honor, prestige wrongly acquired and whoever praises himself and despises others — these, Namuci, are your armies, the Dark One's striking forces. A lazy, cowardly person cannot overcome them, but by conquering them one gains bliss."

These armies...Mara's playground of distractions and deterrents....they are each their own zombie..and every of them is shoved down our throats. Sensual desire - just turn on the television or open a magazine. Discontent - the constant need for everyone to look better or belittle others to gain recognition for themselves. Hunger and thirst - have you had your break today? Sluggishness and laziness - my personal favorite. Fear - what a driving force in the world.. Indecision - we'll talk about that later.

The list goes on and on...we can see all of them at work in our lives and in the lives of everyone we know. They add up. They're right here with you, infesting your life and your mind.

Everyone knows a single (slow, original horror film) zombie isn't scary... it's when they gang up on you. Zombies never come by themselves. If you don't run away now, they will all be coming for you. By that time, it's too late. You're already holed up in your house, where you thought it was safe.....Think again.

So how does one slay a zombie? Here's where the mindfulness comes along. When my alarm wakes me up in the morning, I need to be mindful enough to express to myself the importance of practice, every morning. Use the mindfulness you strive so hard to grasp. Use it to free yourself from these petty armies. Realize that there is no deterrent. There isn't even any attainment. There's nothing to work for. Just a mere realization.

Then you're there. You just have to realize that the zombies kill themselves.

That would make for one crappy movie.

The Case AGAINST Christ

2009-11-29T13:28:00.003-06:00

Why didn't Jesus replace the stone from the tomb when he rose from the dead?

Well, he was born in a barn.

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One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good.

So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that e-mail said?

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Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.

So, you fell for it. I don't have anything to say about Jesus. I want, instead, to delve into our unfortunate need for controversy. No matter what the issue is or how much it has nothing to do with us, we still want to be in the middle of it. It's amazing how our culture has been linked to this behaviour.

Let's look, for example, at gossip. Let's leave out the normal day-to-day gossip that is so easy to see...mothers talking about daughters' friends...wives talking about coworkers, husbands talking about bosses...that's easy. Let's make it more general.

John and Kate Plus 8 drew 9.8 million viewers on Memorial Day. People magazine sold 3.6 million copies last year, and that was bad for them! What have we immersed ourselves in?

This talk could get hairy. If we are not allowed to enjoy the latest celebrity gossip, how is that any different than watching a Shakespeare play or going to see a nice musical? These things are ingrained in our society; it can't be all bad.

Well, some of it can be pretty bad.

Thich Nhat Hanh once said that to punch a pillow when one is angry is doing nothing but reinforcing violence. But that is a normal thing in society to do!! We punch pillows instead of people, how peaceful is that? Little do we know that we are teaching ourselves that violence is okay in small doses. Violence is never something to be okay with. It may be necessary to live in certain instances, but it is never okay.

Same goes with gossip. Of course it seems as if the rational thing to do when someone angers you is to go talk about them. It's what society has placed as normal. That doesn't make it right. Don't punch a pillow rather than be mindful. It's not in your best interest.

Attachment. We're attached to this feeling of being correct in every instance. Well, sometimes we are correct, in which case we need to practice humility. Sometimes we are wrong, in which case we need to shut our mouths and learn what needs to be learned from that situation. As a matter of fact, we need to shut our mouths regardless of whether we are right or wrong. We don't learn anything on the pedestal. We only show what we've learned there.

I got this idea from a talk I was having with a good friend on a plane. We were discussing religion, the meaning of life...you know, the easy questions. Myself being Buddhist, and he being an Atheist, the conversation wasn't your normal, Oklahoma based religious discussion. After about an hour long talk, the gentleman sitting next to us spoke up. "Man, this is too deep for me to sleep through," he said. He told us that it was nice that we were reaching out and thinking about these things. We were good people that knew what we were talking about. "Merely speaking from a Christian standpoint," he said, "I think there is a lot in common between what you guys think and what I think."

What happened afterward would have normally sent me on a rampage. The plane landed, we said our goodbyes, and after my friend went to retrieve his bag, the guy shook my hand, pulled me in close, and said, "You know, you should read the book of Mark."

I could have attached myself to my opinions and gotten angry, but instead I thought of how caring this man was being to me. In his belief, he felt as if I were headed down a road to hell, and he was kind enough to offer his advice and what had helped him get where he was.

It's nice to be mindful sometimes.

I think I've rambled off-topic, but I'll try to reel it back in. We need practice being mindful. We need to practice being aware of not only ourselves (as if that isn't hard enough) but also others. Once we can truly be in the moment, we will realize that those around us everyday are our family too. We need to treat them as such.

I was visiting a yoga teacher's myspace page a couple of weeks ago. Under "Favorite TV shows", he wrote something along the lines of, "I'm much too interested in my life to become involved in someone's I'm never going to meet".

What an interesting conclusion! Why tie ourselves into these controversies? Who cares what Brangelina or Miley whatsit's doing this weekend? Nothing along those lines is going to help us. It's merely mindless banter.

Am I saying to boycott these things? No. Just don't become attached to them. Make a new road for this society, one that leads to a higher understanding, rather than a wonderful dinner conversation piece.

Becoming A Buddhist

2009-11-06T23:01:00.003-06:00

I just thought I would share with you some ideas that had been brought to me in the days before I became an "official" lay Buddhist, and my take on the ceremony in general.

I had the wonderful oppourtunity to walk with the monk who had been at my monastery before Thich Huyen An had come. He was a very gentle speaking yet grounded man in his faith and beliefs. I had come early for weekly meditation to do a bit of walking meditation beforehand, and he came up to the window and said, "I'm sorry...are you looking for someone?"

I knew we were going to get along perfectly.

There was this teacher figure in my head that I needed in my practice, and I had been a little disappointed in the temple I attend merely because English wasn't widely spoken. There was little oppourtunity for a dharma talk, much less a question-and-answer approach to the practice. I was very relieved to find this young monk to be generous with his answers.

My first question of him was merely the difference between Mahayana and Therevada practice, to which he replied, "there may be many roads to Dallas, but when headed there, you get to Dallas". I figured I needed to be more specific, so I told him of the compassion, forgiveness, and lovingkindness meditations I had encountered through Noah Levine, and I wondered why Mahayana (and more specifically Zen) practitioners felt mindfulness and breath awareness practice was sufficient rather than focusing on specific qualities to manifest. His answer was very simple, but it opened a new respect for Zen practice.

He said, "Think of a household. When you need the light, you flip a switch. When you need a blender, you turn on the blender. When you need the computer, you turn on the computer. When you need the tv, you turn on the tv. It is not a different practice. There is not a generator for each item you need. It is the same generator. This is the same way we view Mahayana practice. We do not need different generators for each problem we have. All exists within the mind. Therefore, train the mind, train every aspect of your life."

What an amazing analogy! Oftentimes, before I began my practice, I wondered what the point was....sitting and staring at a wall can in no way help my life. This is not the way I was raised! Little did I know I was doing myself a great disservice, not allowing myself to truly experience each moment as it came.

Not that I am against any other forms of meditation. I enjoy a good forgiveness meditation just as much as anyone. However, I do believe we should really focus on a good foundation. If we cannot sit with ourselves as we are in the present moment, how can we ever feel confident in bringing up aspects of ourselves that we are not comfortable with?

Anyway, I found that very helpful. As for the ceremony, I have never felt more welcomed in my life. Although most of the service was in Vietnamese and I had to have a monk sitting beside me to translate the master's words for me, the precepts still rang true. I felt connected to everyone there...I truly have a sangha! Moreover, my wife and mother were there to support me. It couldn't have been better. I now can enter the temple a new person...a reincarnation of a past self that was not fully committed to practice. I can say that Ryan Lassiter was infused with wrong view, wrong perception, and so forth. Now, with a dharma name, Chán Trí Tuệ, I am fully committed. I sit not for myself, not for realization, but for the betterment of everyone.

There have been many posts in the buddhoblogosphere pertaining to the effectiveness of a virtual sangha, and the necessity of in-person sanghas. I have stayed out of the conversation merely because I didn't have an opinion. However, I think I have come to a conclusion. I don't believe that virtual sanghas are insufficient. I believe they have just as much merit as any other communities. Most of my progress in study has been due to the on line community. There is just so much information at everyone's fingertips!! There is no reason why a virtual community wouldn't be just as good. I do know, however, that I wouldn't have had the same experience and motivation to practice without being there. That definitely would have been missing. The important part is to keep practicing, not worried about in-home, in-temple, or in-virtual land, but always in the moment, in right effort, and in harmony with the world around us.

A musing or two....

2009-10-09T23:54:00.002-05:00

I have recently been thinking a lot about reason....I understand that reason has a great history behind it, and I know that there are many schools of reason, but I'm starting to fully grasp the true nature of a lot of problems.

Reason is utterly subjective.

It's almost ridiculous. I would think that reason would be somewhat of a given...almost a moral code. I guess there is another conclusion one could come to with these thoughts....

I'm getting ahead of myself.

From the beginning....I could assume that there are some things we can all agree on with a shared degree of reason: One should not kill another. Gravity does exist as a force on the Earth. What we perceive and have named "red" is red.

Seems pretty easy, right?

Well, that's fine and good, but there come these topics that seem to follow reason, but people have these odd little quirks with...what are they called...opinions?

For example, it seems as if reason would tell us that all of our citizens have a right to three things: Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Okay, that was agreed upon in this country's conception. Life is one of those, correct? Therefore, health is one of those? Am I being reasonable still? These things should not be infringed upon by any system of government, system of belief, or any system whatsoever (a monetary system, perhaps?).

I guess I'm not correct at all. I could start back from the beginning...one should not kill another. Some people are perfectly fine with killing others, as long as their ideals and systems of government are different from our own..

Or religion, for example...I don't find salvation, resurrection, or ultimatums that reasonable, yet some people will stake their lives on it. It's not anything wrong with them. It's merely their reason not lining up with mine. We could go on and on like this.

It's very odd. Back to the killing idea again...when someone is perfectly fine with killing another person, oftentimes that is considered an imbalance in perception....a slight lunacy, if you will.

So perhaps there is a true logic after all...and we are all on varying scales of lunacy.

I like that idea. Sometimes you are completely illogical and crazy, and other times I am. That's all there is to it. Just because you and I see differently doesn't mean we have to disagree. We just have to realize our imbalances and go about our way, trying to find the TRUTH.

How does one go about finding the truth for themselves?

Oh, I don't know...a contemplative practice, perhaps?

I'm simply fascinated by this concept! What I find completely reasonable, others find offensive and life-threatening.

Odd.

By the way, I would like to throw out a congrats to our president for his recent award. I think it is good to place encouragement where it is needed, regardless of the "reason" of others. Just think: if everyone would have only bad things to say about a president of this fine country, then....
Oh, wait. That has been true for eight years!

Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

2009-09-20T17:05:00.002-05:00

I think I have come to many realizations over the past months, and I felt like it was time for me to say something again. I'll jump right in.

What I have to say is not all that important, and I don't want a bunch of junk being accredited to me.

It's funny. I thought when I started this that I had a lot to say. I knew that I would just be overflowing with interesting ideas and cute anecdotes outlining my path through Buddhism. However, as I fall deeper down the rabbit hole, I am finding my words to be very useless.
Don't get me wrong; I love writing, and I love the comments. They help. There seems to be this intrinsic suffering involved with having a blog. There must always be something new to read. Something exciting! Something thought provoking. Something detailing what it's like to be me right now.
I think this is coming from recent posts in Zen Habits, which outline the benefit and process of making your life a little simpler. Weeding out unnecessary things. It alleviates a lot of suffering, not having to provide post after post...keeping all of you on the edge of your seats every day. Who do I think I am? Carrie Bradshaw?
Also, I find that when I am not really involved emotionally in my writing, I end up filling space. There is an intense problem with that. Space is important. Space begets thought. You don't want your initial point to be digested through pointless banter. It's not beneficial for readers.

As I progress in my practice, I am able to see and understand others' suffering easier.

I was very skeptical of sitting at first. My opinions of "new age" practices and sitting in silence were hard to get over. However, as I fall deeper down the rabbit hole, I realize my own suffering. I feel it, I connect, and I let it pass.
What an amazing practice! "Why do I suffer?" "What is causing this terrible feeling?" "How much power does it really have?" These are not only amazing questions, but they offer amazing, shocking, revealing, and sometimes painful answers. My suffering is caused by my attachment to self, my attachment to permanence...all the things that we grow so fond of and then realize they don't really exist. It's life changing.
As I realize my own suffering, it only becomes easier to let it pass, and I can't help but notice others' suffering as well. I know most of us are caught in this sea of confusion, denial, and attachment. It's suffocating us. Rather than run away, (with Gazelle intensity, as Dave would say) we feed it. We throw all of our attention into it, and let all of our time become consumed by this false sense of self....it's saddening.
Whoa Ryan, you're getting a little depressing. Not at all...let me tell you! This is a discovery that I cherish more than....well, a lot of things. Where I would normally lose my temper, go off the deep end, start ranting and raving, ruining others' opinions of me, I find deep understanding and compassion. I know they suffer, and I wish them well. It's a state we are all in, regardless of our paths.

Thoughts are not what define you..but your reactions can.

I look back on past mistakes, and I sometimes cringe. How could I have let such things happen? What was I thinking? Well...the truth is, it doesn't matter. As I fall deeper down the rabbit hole, I realize thoughts happen. They arise, and they fall. If you don't believe me, go into a room by yourself, and sit for an hour...count your breaths. One to ten...ten to one...back to ten... They don't stay long, and one thought has no more weight than another.
So before you beat yourself up about the next "terrible thought" you have, remember that it's not a defining quality. Right at this moment, I could be thinking, "Man, Rush Limbaugh listeners should really be put to a public death" (Much love everyone...just an example...) or I could be thinking "I could really go for some hot water and Vietnamese Moon Cake right now"... Where does the definition of me as a person occur? Well...when I said or wrote them really....without the action, i.e. attachment, there is nothing wrong with the thought itself. I can dismiss the lesser as silly and rather menacing, and the latter, at this time, unnecessary and unimportant.
Thought is thought; action is action. I need to spend more time filtering my thought. More than not my thoughts become actions...afterward I feel anything from relieved to inappropriate, or anywhere in between. Why not be a little more mindful about our action. That will drastically change your view on thought.

Conflict rarely alleviates suffering, much less settles differences.

I used to be a very confrontational person. It gave me great pleasure to tell anyone when they were wrong and to enlighten them with my intense insight and knowledge. However, as I fall deeper down the rabbit hole, I'm trying to get in touch with the human experience in general. I come from a long personal history of hating people as a rule. I would always spout my babble, "One person is beautiful, insightful, and caring....but more than one person, this idea of "people", ruins everything. It is their nature." I am becoming more and more uneasy in that position. I can't even place my finger on the source of my changing thoughts.
People are just a collection of these persons...these things I find so intriguing...I know people make mistakes, and when you collect mistakes you end up with this huge ball of regret, definitely something that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. We don't really think about people as a ball of insight, or an accumulation of years of experience....a source of intense wisdom and patience. We've all suffered, and we are all right where we are. The only difference is the actions we take based on these otherwise meaningless thoughts. Karma, anyone?
It doesn't seem as if conflict ever sounds like a good idea to me...It glorifies this attachment to self. What better way to defer non-attachment than to feel as if you know not only your path, but the path of those opposing you? It's a slippery slope, and a rather controversial topic, but there is this grace involved in compassion, and I don't think I have ever witnessed an instance where compassion and understanding wouldn't have made a situation better.

Needless to say, I think quality over quantity is best for me, rather than the norm of the twitter-obsessed nonsense of the age.

Forgiveness is Divine, But Never Pay Full Price For Late Pizza

2009-08-17T18:30:00.003-05:00

Forgiveness.

I don't think you get it.

Forgiveness.

Sink in yet?

I didn't think so.

I don't think we get forgiveness at all. It's too hard. What a concept! I'm not talking about the mother saying to the three year old, "Now kiss and make up.". That's not it. That's not good enough.

I'm talking about the revolutionary type of forgiveness. Forgiving people no one else will. Forgiving people that you didn't think you could.

It's an amazing feeling.

I've dabbled in a forgiveness meditation for a little bit, and I realized how difficult it is, and how much I don't understand and utilize this concept. I can't forgive myself for half of what I've done, much less others.

I'm not talking about forgiving actions, because that isn't necessary. I'm talking about forgiving actors. It's truly something not to carry around all of that pain.

Try it. It's intoxicating.

I have more to say, but I want you to try it first. Try a forgiveness meditation.

Here....I'll even provide one.

http://www.theopengrove.com/dwnlds/news/ForgivenessMeditation.pdf

Look out for part two! Let's discuss this; it's too important not to.

With metta

-Ryan

The Preta Realm

2009-07-18T16:32:00.002-05:00

I always thought the Buddhist realms of existence were interesting, and I've learned to seek out higher realms for myself, and notice other realms in my behaviour. Here are the different realms as traditional Buddhists see it:

the God realm: Easiest to reach enlightenment through

Demi-God realm: very jealous realm

Human realm: When your focus should be on the Dhamma

animal realm: realm of ignorance

Preta realm: the hungry ghost realm

hell realms: why must there be more than one?

The realm I am most drawn to is the Preta realm, or the hungry ghost realm. In traditional Buddhist depictions (I always bother to say traditional in hopes that you would understand that not all traditional beliefs are my own...I love the use of Progressive Buddhism as a rule) this realm is filled with beings with really skinny necks and huge stomachs. They are never satisfied...they have an unsatiable appetite for something specific and when they actually view food or water, they are so delusional that they believe they are seeing blood, bile....all the disgusting things they believe they don't want. They are running from their own freedom.

Doesn't that sound strangely familiar to Dante's third circle?

Anyway, I keep thinking about this realm...and how we could partially be stuck in every realm, in different aspects of our lives. This realm is the easiest to recognize throughout our daily lives.

How often do we run after things that we know aren't good for us? I talked in an earlier post about chasing delusions, and I think that ties in here nicely, so refer back to that one, if you will. That thought actually spawned this one last night.

Addiction. Seems to be a constant trend Recovery is becoming a natural part of many people's lives, however AA and other groups are specific in their addictions. They have the addictions that can quickly kill you and ruin your life. Easily said, and easily proven. Millions of alcoholics and addicts ruin their lives and kill themselves and ruin everyone else's life they know in the process. They need alternate lifestyles and support groups in order to alleviate said addictions.

But look beyond the obvious. Look at accepted addictions.

According to research from the Weston A. Price Foundation, the average person has over 600 12-ounce servings of soft drinks per year. Also, since 1978 soft drink consumption has tripled for boys and doubled for girls.

Over 112 million people voted for American Idol contestants....

Right now, over $888,000,000 has been spent in the War Against Terrorism.

What kind of addictions have we gotten ourselves into? Obesity is at an all-time high, we can't control what seeds are being watered in our minds, and we choose to spend our country's money on war. It's getting really bad.

I think it's great we have focused on the addictions that ruin the body, but it's time to focus on those that ruin our spirits. No more should we allow reality television to fill the void where a marriage should be. Don't let it team up with video games to raise your children, either. Drop the soda and grab a water. Understand the true meaning of peace instead of the plastic earrings that you wear. It is a symbol of something that used to have meaning. When did it get lost?

Of course, I am speaking to myself as much as I am to anyone. An old Buddhist saying goes something like "if you let a drop of water fall on a rock, it will do nothing, but if you continue to let it fall, it will shape the rock"...something like that.

The hungry ghost will never be fed. It will always be what it is. Hungry, and a ghost.

Nothing more.

Just food for thought. (The healthy kind)

-Ryan

Distilled In Impermanence

2009-06-25T22:49:00.005-05:00

It's an odd and rather dark coincidence that I write this on the day of MJ's early passing, but I figure it's as good a time as any.

I recently finished Geri Larkin's Love Dharma: Relationship Wisdom from Enlightened Buddhist Women. I adore this woman, and I think that she explains Buddhist belief in a very progressive, Western way. She was the one who first got me interested in Buddhism. This was a book my wife picked up for me, and I was a little unsure about it when I read the first two chapters, because it was obviously written for women. However, it became a pleasure to read. It had many good insights into the female practitioners of Buddhism, and I learned a lot from what I read.

There was one story in particular that moved me, and I repeat it to everyone I see. It reached me in a totally odd way.

It goes like this:

"In Buddha's time, a young woman named Kisagotami was married to a banker's son who treated her like garbage. Her in-laws were just as cruel. The only person who loved her was her little boy; then he died.

"Kisagotami went nuts-literally. She dressed the dead toddler and carried him on her hip, going door to door, asking people for medicine. An old man told her that the only person he knew who had the right medicine was Buddha.

"Kisagotami hunts him down and asks if he can cure her baby. He says yes but first she needs to get him a mustard seed from a house where nobody has died. She agrees. Going from house to house, the young mother discovers that everyone has known death - in one house it was in the past week, in another a year ago. In a third house a father had died, in another a mother or child. Not a single house was without death.

"Suddenly realizing that everyone was in the same boat, Kisagotami was healed."

Now...the message is clear. Impermanence surrounds us. We all die. It happens. We all lose one another. It is the way life is.

I took a different lesson from this tale.

There doesn't have to be a miracle saviour. There doesn't have to be some magic trick to prove wisdom. Buddha shows us here that mindfulness in itself is a miracle. Just being aware of the world around us, distilled in impermanence, is full of miracles. Every breath is a miracle.

You have to quit waiting for some illustrious imposition for your happiness. It's not going to come when you want it, if at all. So be mindful! Learn to love each other now! The only thing we are absolutely certain of is that we will not be here forever.

Make your moments count.

-Ryan

Here is a link to Geri Larkin's book, if you care to read it!

Opportunity

2009-06-01T17:32:00.000-05:00

So, I received an interesting text today. It read:

"It's frustrating how some people have all these amazing opportunities to become something and they pass them up. Then there is me who never has an opportunity and I'm watching these people."

I wasn't sure quite how to respond. (I always have this problem. I don't know whether asking for clarification helps, but I never do it.) At first glance, it looked as if this person wanted to be commiserated with...but the nature of that particular person told me that was definitely not the case. Then I thought, "Perhaps this person is down on themselves." Wrong again.

So I typed the only thing I could think. Not because I had no other option, but because it was the only truth that needed to be said....and I learned so much from it.

I responded, "Every moment is your opportunity. Smile and breathe."

Does everything come back to mindfulness? Absolutely everything??

To simply put it, yes. Yes it does.

Warning: I'm sure that I am, as I usually do, taking words from Thich Nhat Hanh's mouth...but being who he is, I am going to shine in that fact. (Since he has written a book entitled Present Moment, Wonderful Moment, all of my "findings" I'm sure will be there.)

Opportunity...that thorn in everyone's side...the crap shoot of all of our lives. Without this fictional object, nothing would ever happen..What kind of power does that place on these opportunities?

None.

Why does man make such ideas as to create chains for himself? It's not like we are waiting, our full potential held tight for this thing to come our way. Every moment, every breath, is our opportunity. It's all we have. Opportunity is life. How many ways can I say it? Every sentence spoken to you...every smile you give or receive (give more than you receive...it will make the world a better place)....every bird that flies by. It's the rippling effect.

So don't waste another moment! They are all opportunities!

/Bows

Ryan

On Power

2009-05-04T18:34:00.001-05:00

As I meditate on the impermanence of all things, I eventually struggle with the thought of power. When most people consider power, they consider perhaps the "awesome power of (the Christian) God, the power of words, the power of prayer....so on and so forth. This type of power doesn't concern me. The preceding is merely placing a power (which may or may not be actual) in someone else's hands. The power I come to, and the power I speak of now, is one's own power.

How much power do we actually have? What exactly is power? Of course all of these have subjective answers, and I have no idea what the right answer is. I always think of Scarface, the Godfather, Requiem for A Dream...the wrongfully pursued and miscalculated power of oneself or ones willpower. Hmmm...how does that play into this equation?

Yet again, I draw a blank.

I'm somehow attracted to this inescapable link between power and pride. Both are impermanent, as is everything, but they both feed each other with such fire and unending devotion that it is almost impossible to escape them.. I came to this conclusion this morning in meditation. Power and pride walk together, palms pressed as lovers do, fingers entwined...a love forbidden yet so unavoidable. Much like fear and anguish, confusion and persuasion, rhetoric and ignorance....
Man and suffering.

Which leads me back to impermanence.

Am I trying to teach myself something?

/Bows

Ryan

Delusions

2009-04-17T14:56:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm going to take a risk here and throw out that, in order to be a good husband, I am now 2/5ths thorugh the Twilight saga. It's not something a lot of people would admit, so I take pride in that at least. I finished the second book last night, and something hit me in meditation this morning. I am going to reference the book, so I guess this is a *spoiler alert*.

If you haven't read it, and you want to, watch this instead. It's one of the most breathtaking magic effects I've seen live.

Okay, so...here goes.

Bella has been left by Edward. She realizes when she does something that puts her well being in danger, she hears a voice...Ed's voice. It's not him, only a delusion. Yet she continues to put herself in harm's way in order to hear this farce.

A farce, mind you.

It's a ridiculous claim, and she knows it. But do we?

How often do we make delusions for ourselves? How often do we build someone up in our minds, and chase after that person? It's not the person who stands before us. It's a delusion. Whether it's the thought, "This person is not right for you", or "This person really means you harm" is inconsequential. It's a delusion you seek, not the truth.

Or this: You swore to never drink caffeine again. (Lame depiction, I know) However, everything around you resounds the pleasure of giving in. This, you say, is a sign from God. He wants you to do this. He's putting it in front of you.

How are you sure that these signs from God aren't delusions you're running after?

It all goes back to the self. Once you lose the self, you have no delusions to conquer. It's all impermanent. That is what rings true throughout life. Everything passes. It's nature.

Seeing things as they really are...is that so much to ask?

-Ryan

Ego

2009-04-16T17:18:00.000-05:00

More important than politics, more important than complaining...I love discussing things such as these:

How difficult our egos can be! I have been studying many of Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings lately, and I have decided that this man has taught me more with his ideas than any other source I have ever encountered. He's truly amazing. He has made me lose my sense of "self"..He has recreated my view of consciousness. He has shown me that hurting others is one and the same as hurting myself. But his words are challenging.

Of course if you hit me I hit back. If I help you, you are indebted to me. These, through experience, is law. It's the way people communicate. It's how we interact. This web of contingencies that we learn from...they're...what's the word?

Wrong. They are all wrong.

We cannot and will not know what peace truly is without losing ourselves. Without seeing ourselves in others, in everything, we can't make progress. We're at a stalemate with ourselves.

One hand reaches for the other because it knows, without hesitation, that it is part of a greater being. Whether it believes in the community of hands, the likeness they share, or it even sees and comprehends the mind that controls the both of them, it is compassionate and unyielding in its care. It's a wonderful illustration of how to live.

True Peace

Ryan

Some Interesting Information

2009-04-16T11:08:00.000-05:00

Just thought I would put these up. No opinion, just facts. It's hard to see past the "Blame everything on the new guy" idea, so it's always a good idea to see where this debt everyone is freaking out about came from. Notice the trends? It must be genetic.

It's odd..I have been one to say that taxes are ridiculous. It's odd that the government keeps asking for more and more...That's bad. Well, I also complain about construction on the roads all the time. I shouldn't be bothered by workers fixing things. I want to get where I want when I want. That's the typical standing.

I also don't complain when it's finished and I can drive more smoothly to where I'm trying to go.

Also, I love certain websites. I frequent uer.ca. It's nice to see other people who love the same photography. I give to this website. Why? Because I feel compelled to. I want to help them maintain this site. I feel like I own a portion of it.

We all own a portion of this country. Unfortunately, there is not a system really put into place where we feel as if we're actually heard. That is terrible, and it's going to continue that way, I'm afraid. However, it does not alter our responsibility to help maintain this country. All the things we feel we're entitled to all have someone behind them, making them happen.

But I guess complaining about the construction is normal.

There's more to see....http://www.marktaw.com/culture_and_media

DISCLAIMER

2009-04-15T10:45:00.000-05:00

"All experience is preceded my mind,
Led by mind,
Made by mind.
Speak or act with a peaceful mind,
And happiness follows
Like a never departing shadow."
-Yamaka II

I know, I know...everyone tells me I'm not one for disclaimers. I just say what I want to say, and everyone else can filter through what they want to hear. That's the kind of person I am, right?

Wrong, I hope.

I don't want any reader to think that I am trying to come from a place of all-knowing sages that bestow their wisdom on me during their lunch break. That couldn't be farther from the truth. All I know are subjective ideas, things I have been taught, and things that come to me in meditation. I know no truths, and adhere to no false pretenses of truth. It's outside me, and I'm merely trying to understand.

So, I don't mean to offend. I state observations, and I may seem harsh, but I'm only being true to my opinions, which can be altered as well. I don't know any more than you do, but we can both learn from each other. So if I say something you disagree with, comment! I will be more than happy to start an intelligent conversation about whatever. I have some pretty out there ideas for some people, so I am looking forward to some in-depth chatter.

For now,

-Ryan